He is Home

He is Home

He is home, his ashes...are home. Along with his ashes, came clippings of his hair, castings, and imprints we chose to pay extra for. I cleaned the entire house beforehand, as if he really was coming home. I nested, the way a pregnant mother does, preparing for the arrival of her baby. The only difference [...]

Anxious

Other than our grief therapy appointment, our two and a half days in Leavenworth was the first time I'd set foot in public in a month. I have avoided the grocery store, restaurants, parks, anywhere people would bring their babies. I STILL cannot hold in my intense anxiety when I hear sirens from emergency vehicles [...]

1 Month

1 Month

It's hard to explain what taking photos like this make me feel. It's a mixture of happy and sad, a lot of inner conflict. It's hard not to notice that empty arm, the space where Sloan should be. It's hard not to think about the fact that he loves two children and can only give [...]

Grief and the Body

Grief and the Body

I don't know that I'll ever be able to look at pictures of him without feeling pain in my throat, chest, eyes, and arms. Because people don't talk about child loss very much, you probably don't have much understanding of how it affects you- mind body and soul. You lose sleep, yet you are so [...]

The Red Door

Today we went back to our apartment one last time, a piece of closure both of us had been avoiding for weeks. We signed it away and gave back our keys. We cried, we gasped for air, we breathed in the scent of his room, stared at the wall where his crib had sat for [...]

What is New

Moving into our new home has been a bittersweet experience. While unpacking, decorating and settling has been somewhat cathartic, its also been difficult not to think "I'd rather have him than all this." It's rough road and each new day of grief is so different from the last, yet ultimately feels the same because I [...]