On Sunday night, I crumbled. Phoenix was crying for hours, refusing sleep. It’s unusual for her. She’s been the mythical baby who has slept through the night since she was only weeks old. She’s not one to cry like that either. Something in me was triggered and I had a panic attack. I suddenly wasn’t [...]
Milestones and Mourning
She’s going to be 5 months old on Tuesday. Just 2 months until she will surpass Sloan’s life. It’s a weird thing to think about, but I find myself often wondering what that will be like. The day she’ll have lived longer than him. How it will probably feel like a huge weight has lifted. [...]
Capture Your Grief Day 26: Beauty
Finding beauty in death and trauma is not an easy undertaking. It requires you to see past the devastation and wreckage, the triggers, the emptiness. It requires you to be able to recognize that even in death’s finiteness, something else can be born. That something else can be your growth, your self reflection, your learned [...]
Capture Your Grief Day 24: Courage
What happened to my child was horrific. It was unfair. It has altered our lives, and who we are, for eternity. In those early days after his death I was a zombie. I was paralyzed within my grief and the trauma of losing him. I remember uttering only a few words to anyone, never sleeping, [...]
A List of Longing
Tonight my mama heart is aching for him. For the things I cannot have. The things stolen from me, from us. His soft, squishy skin. His downy hair, thinned and riddled with relenting cradle cap. His flimsy delicate fingernails I never had to cut because they’d simply flake off at the ends on their own. [...]
Capture Your Grief Day 19: Learn
I’ve said before that the moment I found Sloan, I disassociated. My body was there, and I remember every detail of those hours, but there are things I don’t remember. I do not remember screaming uncontrollably. I don’t remember pacing our home, frantically walking in circles sobbing and hyperventilating. I don’t remember the 911 call. [...]
Capture Your Grief Day 15: Wave of Light
Today was International Wave of Light, for Pregnancy and Infant Loss. We joined the millions of other parents around the world lighting a candle for our babies gone too soon. To my sweet Sloanie, Our grief is eternal, because your life was not. But in death you have traveled the world, impacted millions, saved lives [...]
