I’ve been so very triggered with my grief lately. I know pregnancy can really impact your emotions (trust me, this is my 4th baby and 6th pregnancy. I’m aware of what hormones do). But I’m just a wreck most days. I find myself in tears several times a day, longing to hold him, smell him, [...]
Category: Grief & Loss
Infertility Awareness Week
It is Infertility Awareness week, so I’d like to touch back on the subject of secondary infertility & pregnancy loss. When Rowan was 4 months old, we suffered a loss of a pregnancy at 10 weeks. It was traumatic, and we battled our grief for quite some time afterwards. We were elated when I got [...]
Silencing
Holidays are always a struggle since his death. While they’re cherished time with family, they tend to be such a painful reminder of my child’s absence. Easter hit me hard. There should have been another basket, another set of tiny little dimpled hands reaching for hidden eggs, another chocolate bunny smeared face sitting at the [...]
Letters From Strangers
I spent my morning looking through the stacks of cards and letters sent to us when Sloan died. There are hundreds. I read through as many as I could handle, taking in once again, just how deeply my son’s life and loss affected so many. Most of these I haven’t set my eyes on since [...]
It Doesn’t Get Better, Only Less Hard
I slept pretty fitfully last night, and only for a brief few hours. My mind was racing with thoughts of him, and aching for another family, knowing in my bones exactly the agony they are experiencing right now. I want so badly to turn off their pain and to be able to tell them it [...]
Another Wave
On Tuesday I decided I had the courage to call the medical examiners office and ask for Sloan’s file. Last time I asked was when they told us the official cause of death “SUIDS” three months after Sloan died. Once the form had come in the mail for me to fill out and send back [...]
How to Save a Life
I remember what trying to save a life looked like. It’s still so vivid, like when you wake from a dream and you’re so certain it was reality. Only, it’s been over a year and a half and still I wake so certain my reality is a dream. I remember the pallor of his face [...]
