Rowan & Sloan

He was so in love, absolutely smitten with his new baby brother. This photo makes me ache. The same ache I feel when he looks up at me with much more sorrowful eyes and says “Mama I miss my baby Sloan”.

It is the ache of wanting to change the past for your child and it is so much worse than the ache of wanting to for you. I can long for Sloan every second of every day of my life, and I will, trust me, I will. But it will never compare to the longing I have for moments like this photo, the moments between the two of them that I’ll never witness again.

I know Rowan has Phoenix now, and soon, the baby too. But he will forever have a void where another of his siblings should be. A void that memories and spiritual connection can’t quite fill. I always try to close my posts like this with some kind of uptick, but this time it’s out of reach.

Child loss sucks, the end.

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