First Birthday

Sometimes I can’t believe P was ever this small, quiet, or still!

I usually update with her stats every few months, more for myself to look back upon than for anyone else. At her 1 year check last week she was 31.5” tall, and 22.2lbs. That .2, that means a lot. Because 22.2lbs was exactly what Sloan weighed at his 6mo check, weeks before his death. While Phoenix is taller of course, her weight is currently an extremely familiar load when it sits on my hips, in my arms, and snuggled to my chest. The last time I held this weight, it was his cold and stoney body, long after he had left it. So of course this is a rough reminder.

The first birthday your rainbow reaches, that the child you lost did not, is always a very bittersweet and triggering milestone. While no parent wants their child’s life to be marred by any trauma of what was lost before them, it’s impossible not to recognize the sadness inside you while also still trying to celebrate the miracle happening in front of you.

I have said before that as she grows older, and eventually understands what happened to her brother, balancing our grieving with her living in a way that doesn’t cause her to feel held back or stripped of identity, will become even more challenging. Each birthday is like a magnifying glass, and as time passes we will learn better ways to manage the feelings they unearth so that she can thrive as her own person.

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