Best Nine

These are what I would deem my best nine of 2018, not what an algorithm found to have the most likes.

I survived the emotional turmoil and conflicting joy of a pregnancy after child loss. We welcomed our fiery and tenacious rainbow girl into the world. Rowan turned 5. We faced our first “deathiversary”, a whole year without Sloan. Sloan’s 2nd birthday came and went. Rowan and Phoenix created a bond that could move worlds.

The year was so momentous, it marked SO MANY major milestones in our journey through life after loss. It was hard, it brought me to my knees, had me clinging to the end of a rope I wasn’t sure could hold me. Ushering in 2019 won’t change that, things won’t suddenly be easier, the fog of grief and doubt will not lift. Trauma and anxiety doesn’t lessen because the numbers changed on the calendar. It’s more proof of time continuing on with only his memory, and that makes another new year difficult. But it’s also a slate of new possibilities, new lessons, new milestones, new struggles, new triumphs. My only resolve is to focus on what I’ve already survived, so that I can meet whatever is coming with that strength.

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