Milestones and Mourning

She’s going to be 5 months old on Tuesday. Just 2 months until she will surpass Sloan’s life. It’s a weird thing to think about, but I find myself often wondering what that will be like. The day she’ll have lived longer than him. How it will probably feel like a huge weight has lifted. “She’s made it!”. But how it will also bring new triggers. From then on, every milestone will be one he didn’t meet. Every new thing she does will be so bittersweet, creating happiness, but also triggering a new kind of grief. I don’t know that our lives will ever stop being centered around time, numbers, and impending upsets. It’ll likely continue being a very delicately balanced dance, between joy and longing. Like a tightrope walker tilting one way or the other depending on the day and how the wind blows.

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