Recently I’ve detached myself from some toxic relationships in my life. I had begun to realize these were people who did not serve to bring out the best sides of me, and instead induced a subconscious battle with mental health. I was allowing myself to get too enthralled in the battles and inner conflicts of others, and I realized I need to be more restrained and take a step back from these people and situations. I always want to think the best of people and I tend to let my judgement be clouded by that until I find myself being manipulated.
A dear friend said something to me today that I realized to be achingly true.
“You have such a good heart Jordan. I think so many rallied behind you and some took advantage. Some pretend because there is something in it for them. What you have done for mothers around the world is incredible. But sadly some road your coat tail through grief. Now that the dust has settled for others around you, they are showing their colors and it breaks my heart for you. I know that the dust never settles for those that grieve. ”
She’s right. I am tired of trying to spread myself too thin across those broken places, in order to maintain toxic relationships. I am tired of support being lorded over my head like a weapon. Tired of blindly following a hornet into the nest.
I have often compared grief to the ocean. My story was a sinking ship others couldn’t look away from, and often, in tragedy, there are opportunists.
I am a lighthouse, not a lifeboat.