Only a few months ago, when your daddy would have gone to work for the day, I’d be rocking you for your mid day nap. I’d be singing you “No Ones Gonna Love You” by Band of Horses. It was your favorite, I started singing it to you while you were still in my tummy. You would gaze up at me, holding the neck of my shirt and studying my mouth as I sang each note.
Later, your brother and I would wake you from your nap and the three of us would play for a bit. Mostly I’d be watching in awe at how much the two of you adored each other. The sun rose and set in the bond you shared, and there was never a moment I felt more complete or accomplished in my life, as when I watched you two together. After play time, dinner, and baths, we would begin our bed time routine. Rowan and I would sit on his bed as I held you. We would discuss everything we did that day, and you would sit quietly, listening intently. We would hum the sunshine song, and then kiss you goodnight before placing you in your crib. We’d turn out the light and close your door, and Rowan would say “Goodnight baby Sloan.”
Today was your daddy’s first day back at work since you left this world. His first work day, since your birth, that I wouldn’t spend with BOTH of my babies. Today I busied myself with distraction. I milled about, cleaned, worked, and talked on the phone. All so that I wouldn’t focus on how drastically different my days are without you.
Tonight while your daddy was at work, I did not rock you, I did not sing to you, I did not watch you play. I did not feed you, or wash your hair. I did not tuck you in.
My routine is now much different. When I would have once held you, I now I hold the box with your ashes.