Surviving

I could have made the choice not to stay. To give up, to give in, to let go and go to wherever my baby has gone. But what would that have done? To Justin? To Rowan? To my family and friends? I chose, and continue to choose to survive, as painful and unrelenting as it is. Because if I survive, so does his story, so does his legacy, so does his memory, so does his light. I wish, every second, of every day, that I could be where his is. That I could cradle him in my arms and feel his breath on my skin. But by some unimaginable, unfair, horrific twist of fate-that is not what was chosen for us. And while faith/religion/Jesus is not something Justin and I identify with, we are spiritual. I know my baby is with me in spirit, I know he visits me in moments, as the wind, as a dragonfly, as a song or as a message. I could have made the choice not to stay, but I believe in purpose. Just as I know Sloan’s purpose was to bring light, to move mountains, to bring together, and to protect…I also know my purpose is to keep sharing his.

2 thoughts on “Surviving

  1. Thanks for sharing.. I unfortunately walk this same road of life after loss..I read through all your post.. as I cry and clinging onto my own rainbow. Everything you say is so familiar, too familiar. I have and continue to go through all the emotions.. denial is/was my biggest struggle.. I read a line where you said you ask your self was he even real?.. that hits home because you so badly want it to all be a dream. Unfortunately it’s a reality for many momma’s and families. And I want to say thank you for sharing.

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  2. You are a truly strong and incredible person. My brother died from taking his life and the grief and effect it’s had on my family we could of never imagined. It’s amazing how important one persons life is to so many. It’s so brave of you to recognize your purpose here still. I’ve learned a lot from you. Thank-you.

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