We have been trying for another baby (of any gender, we don’t care which) for almost 2 years. I have done everything in my power and then some to try to get pregnant and stay pregnant, it just isn’t happening. Losing two babies And dealing with secondary infertility is something I never thought I would experience.
When I was pregnant with Rowan I hated being pregnant, but his birth, albeit long and exhausting, was beautiful and completely life changing. I was never happier than I was the moment they placed that tiny baby on my chest. It’s a time I will treasure until the end of my days.
I would give anything to experience that again. I would give anything to give my son a sibling, but it just isn’t happening. So when someone (and for some reason a large amount of people do) asks me “Are you going to have another?” I want to crawl in a hole forever. For the love of God, don’t ask people this question! It’s uncomfortable for me to say “we have been but we lost them both” because suddenly I become the sad girl nobody knows what to say to. And if I said “Yes we want to” there’s this feeling that they have absolutely no idea just how much meaning that “We want to” has. It’s awkward. Getting on Facebook is like trying to navigate a minefield in the dark. Scroll scroll scroll pregnancy announcement scroll birth scroll scroll belly photo scroll scroll ultrasound.
Infertility and baby loss is so much more than countless negative tests and saying goodbye to babies we only just met. It’s a battle, one we fight every day. It’s a battle not to curl up inside ourselves and hide, it’s a battle not to hold back tears during baby showers and friends announcing their joy. But for those of us fighting that battle, it is SO important not to lose ourselves in our grief. We have to remember not to fault those around us for not knowing what to say, we have to try and remember to take care of ourselves, we can’t let our losses define us.
I am learning that while I don’t have to accept what happened and what isn’t happening, I can be just as determined to find happiness in other things in the mean time.