I’ve said before that the moment I found Sloan, I disassociated. My body was there, and I remember every detail of those hours, but there are things I don’t remember. I do not remember screaming uncontrollably. I don’t remember pacing our home, frantically walking in circles sobbing and hyperventilating. I don’t remember the 911 call. [...]
Capture Your Grief Day 15: Wave of Light
Today was International Wave of Light, for Pregnancy and Infant Loss. We joined the millions of other parents around the world lighting a candle for our babies gone too soon. To my sweet Sloanie, Our grief is eternal, because your life was not. But in death you have traveled the world, impacted millions, saved lives [...]
Capture Your Grief Day 14: Connection
This is the face of release. The face of a mother who’d just given birth to a baby after loss. I was exhausted. I was in pain. But I was exhilarated. She was in my arms, only 11 months after those arms had been forced let go of her brother. After nearly 9 months of [...]
Capture Your Grief Day 9: Transformed
When we had Sloan, we did not encounter much resistance from Rowan. He had adjusted to his role as a big brother almost immediately and it was clear their bond would be unshakable. Sloan was Rowan’s other half. They idolized each other. Every morning, Rowan would follow me in to get Sloan up, a huge [...]
Capture Your Grief Day 4: TODAY
When I found out I was pregnant with Phoenix, I panicked. She was a surprise, and so soon after the death of her brother, she was a risk. For the first several months of my pregnancy, I was terrified of the trigger I knew a new baby would be , not just after loss, but [...]
Capture Your Grief Day 2: Purpose
Purpose. When Sloan died, one of the first things I could form into a sentence and actually say the next day, was "He didn't even get to be anyone." I had hardly slept. I had laid in bed all night staring at the ceiling thinking about how unfinished his life was. I was in shock, [...]
What it is to be, without your child
October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. It's been 15 months since my baby died. 15 months since the last time I held him as a body, and not as ashes in a bag. It's been 15 months since the worst day of my life. When I need to feel my child, I cannot [...]
